1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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