Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
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You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
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Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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