I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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