yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?