i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!