this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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