if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
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He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
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Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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