He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
is that a dick in a sweater?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
