i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
