You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I supernannyed him into submission
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
