sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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