Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
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A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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