Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
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I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time i carry you out of a forest
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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