I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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