At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS