Jerry, you need to find god
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself