One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I said "one day" and that day is not today