don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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