my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
