So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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