I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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