I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
