i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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