I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
