i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
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Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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