i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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