I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
