hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!