I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
