so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
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Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i think i just lost a toe