My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.