I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
