I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
