And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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