I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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