somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
