im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
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the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I need a burrito and a hug.
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And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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