I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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