Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
