dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
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all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
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Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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