If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
