So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
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I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
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There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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