How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
