apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
