I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
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my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
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I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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