How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
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Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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