i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
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She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
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This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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