You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.