A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
my shit smells like andre
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
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At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You need a sexual gate keeper
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I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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