That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You pole danced in your parka.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.