Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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