I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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