dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
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My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
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STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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