o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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